Anna-Marie Raven ~ Evoking Art Everyday

*glowing*

self-portrait February 9, 2012

...all because of a dream....

adding layers...

self-portrait ~ 12/17/11 ~ thriftin'

for protection...from what you ask...?

maybe everything & everybody...for a little while.

you see, I am a trusting, open soul...

I speak what I feel, and I hold the space for others to do the same.

I care so deeply... (you have no idea)...even for those I do not know.

how I want to cradle your hurting heart in my arms...tight against my chest...radiating tenderness and love...running my fingers through your hair, in a way that let's you know..."you matter, you are valued"...washing away all the stings and cuts of unkind words spoken, and cold shoulders given by others whom you've trusted...those who you loved and/or still love.

...and when I feel something in return, I open more, peeling away layers...like a tender fruit, soft...ripe...ready to be savored, enjoyed...appreciated.

Over the past few weeks, I have had several hurting souls engage me...I could feel their tiredness of being cut down by harsh words...

their desire...

to be heard...

to be understoood...

to be appreciated...

their desire to know & feel that someone genuinely recognized that "yes, this one is special...this one has value...this one matters"...

and so I did what I do...

I listened...

I felt...

I understood...

I appreciated...

I gave...

and instead of being savored and enjoyed...

I was gobbled up quickly...then...discarded like an apple core...

tossed to the stony ground...left to rot, without a second thought.

Not a one took the time to dig deeper to my core for my seeds...

to carefully replant them in the good, deep dark earth...

so I could rejuvinate...

so I could feel a ripening...a growing...rejuvinating...

a cycle of nurture, growth and giving.

No, not a one.

I shared the details of these "interactions/conversations" with a wise soul who told me I wasn't going to like the advice he was going give me...

he went on to say that he thinks that I need aloneness for awhile...

that I need to just say no to those who come to me in this way...whether they seek simple conversation or something more, that I need to shut them down before it even begins...

I understand his point, however, I fear that shutting down to others would change who I am...drastically. 

(follow me now)...

I have never liked winter clothing at all...

I am so much more comfortable in a pair of flip flops and a tank top and little floaty skirt.

Today, however, I tried something new...lots of layers...in the photo above, you can't even see them all.  I am wearing 2 shirts, a long sweater vest, a scarf, a coat, my fingerless gloves, a hat, a skirt, wool knee highs and my boots...

and I discovered, that once I put it all together, I really liked the layers...I had fun choosing how and what I wanted to layer...and in the end I felt comfortable, warm and good about myself. 

what I'm feeling about all of this at the moment, is that while I don't think it will ever be possible for me to shut people out, I think it will be wise for me to add a few layers...for protection...and somehow, to find a way to layer in a way that allows me to still connect with others, but also allows me the time to peel away the layers of myself a bit more slowly...so as not to find myself standing naked and cold wondering WTF just happened...

As I ventured out this afternoon with all these layers, one stop was my favorite art store...I had a coupon to use, and this was the only day I'd be free to make it there before it expires.  The boy behind the counter said "I really like your outfit", I laughed a little and graciously said thanks.  Then I could feel that feeling...the one I get when I know someone would like to engage me more...so I gently added a few more layers, purchased my paints and panels and got the hell outta there. 

There is more that I want to share on the subject of hurting souls and how I relate to them...it's so intense lately, more to come on that, but for now I'll just say that I am grateful, for the warmth and protection of my newly discovered layers...

speakin' of peace & love...

self-portrait taken in bathroom at AS220, 12/4/11

messing around, waiting for a friend to arrive at the opening of an art show, I snapped this self-portrait in the bathroom stall, 'cuz I was diggin' the graffiti...

it was only just now, a day later  that I noticed that it looks like the peace symbol with "love" is a word bubble coming straight outta my own lips...

truly no coincidences...

a few days ago, this girl, wondered aloud if her family's tree trimming pace meant they were savoring it or being lazy.  I felt a connection of sorts as I had my tree up with only a single ornament and it had been that way for several days.

quite honestly, I wasn't even going to get a tree this year.  It's an odd year for me for many reasons, and I originally thought it best to just get through it by staying busy and ignoring it as much as possible.

But somehow, when I saw this little tree, half off at Whole Foods Market on Black Friday, I softened...and thought it would be better to gently, softly welcome a little holiday cheer into my sacred space.

not the commercialized bullshit mind you...

just the spirit of peace and love...

I bought this ornament at Target a few days before I decided to get a tree, not to hang on a tree, but to hang on a nail in my space, not to represent any commericalism, nor as a symbol for any holiday...

just a reminder....

a sweet reminder to give and receive pure peace and love...

I am savoring simplicity and authenticity...

I am honoring myself and my needs...

peace & love, baby...

peace & love.

 

over my shoulder Sunday...

 
studio scene sunday ~ 9/18/11

hunkered down in the studio today trying to stay focused to finish all the pieces for my newest solo show that I need to install on Wednesday...

honoring the work and the process, but still marinating in the vision I experienced 11 days ago...

longing to paint it out, that experience...

patiently putting it aside for the moment, to finish the task at hand, this show which also means so much for so many reasons...

I'll share more about both very soon...in the meantime, I must get back to work...

but today, for some reason, I feel compelled to let you know that I am holding the space for you all to have a beautiful Sunday...

whatever you choose to do with it...

even if you have no choice in what you will do today...

take a moment to embrace the day...

and honor it's beauty...

and your place in it...

Peace...and love...

to you. 

 

reflexology...

 
in my studio, my feet, post-reflexology session ~ 9/7/11

I am a "foot" person...I have always been a "barefoot girl"...

happiest when my feet are free to breathe...

and touch the earth...

or the wide plank floors in my studio above the 1866 carriage house...

or when I am invited into the sacred space of another...

to experience & feel  through the sensation of touch through my feet, groundedness and understanding...

tonight I had my very first reflexology session...

The environment was gauche and the person who gave it clearly had no understanding of and/or any real connection to the work...she simply offered me a People magazine and blathered on about the minuta of her life...

nothing against Cranston, RI, but is not the type of town where one should seek a reflexology session if they truly want to experience what a proper reflexology session has to offer...in hindsight, I imagined that the experience would have been far different at a place such as The Red Mountain Resort in St. George, Utah...a place I can't wait to return to...

but I digress...

I was there, as a gift, and was determined to make the most of it...

I closed my eyes, and drowned out the noise of the salon...

and I found myself in a grassy field, laying on my belly next to a weeping willow....

...still thinking about what transpired in that field...

marinating in it all right now...

feeling a late night painting session coming on...

good medicine...

...to be continued...

stay tuned...

self-nurture...

self-portrait ~ August 15, 2011


"to keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it" ~ Mother Teresa

 

It hasn't been easy...

especially over the past 9 days...

my heart is still stinging...

I gave because I wanted to...

but again, found myself unloved...discarded & forgotten so quickly...

realizing in hindsight that I conformed again...for another...

who never took an interest in getting to know me...

or wanted to know about the things that beat my heart...

or responded warmly to my touch...

or held me as I desired...

but somehow it was comfortable for a time...

the walking on eggshells...

the tears as I fell asleep, longing to be held.

Alone now...

completely alone...

it really sucked at first...

but now,

I'm starting to feel healthy...

and vibrant...

so much I want to bring forth...

so much I want to share...

so much I want to experience...

I still long to share my journey...

but now I realize that the right companion will not be in front, dragging me behind...

but rather, will walk along side of me...

holding my hand...

and will smile at me...with tender adoration...

and I back at them...

peace and balance...

I can feel it on the horizon...

 

speaking of the things I want to bring forth and share....

I just went and measured the space today for my upcoming solo show at Amy's Place in Providence,

RI.   So looking forward to immersing myself in this work...so looking forward to bringing it forth

and sharing it...the show will run from mid-September 2011 - mid-October 2011...more details

coming soon...

on texture and contemplation...

 
self-portrait 6/14/11

texture has always been very important to me as an artist and I am discovering now that I have a strong craving for deeper texture in my relationships as well...

I want to be with those who allow me the space to be open and gritty and raw...no judgement, my loose debris, free to crumble away like weathered bricks, and the freedom to speak boldly from my soul like gang graffitti...

I want to be with those who are bold enough to tell me what they feel...good, bad or indifferent...

I want to be invited to share the rich texture of my whole self with someone...body, soul & spirit...

I'm tired of feeling like I need to pump the brakes.

I want to feel an open, honest response that is genuinely bursting with passion...  

I want to be loved to the core in a way that I can feel the texture and depth of that love...

what the fuck is wrong with the world?

why is everyone so jaded?

why do people find it necessary to shut down parts of themselves?

suck it up buttercups...life is meant to be enjoyed...rich and full of texture...

move over creamy...

I'm holdin' out for super chunky.

live from the studio...

it's been awhile since I've shared a Studio Scene photo...

in the groove now, so thought i'd share this photo...

working on a piece that has been in my brain since last Wednesday...

it's coming slowly...

but it's coming...

and for that, I am very grateful...

on trust and searching...

 
crafted by a thoughtful and beautiful soul, Stacy de la Rosa of Bella Wish just for me...

my little reminder gently whispering to me, nudging me to focus on and explore all the many facets of trust...I have so, so much to learn, and in my weakness I truly wonder if I'll ever find the strength to really trust anyone or anything ever again...wanting so desperately to retreat back into the safety of my solitude...the solitude that I get so close to, yet somehow, continues to elude me. 

I know that sounds pretty hopeless...maybe even a tad pathetic.  Especially if you are someone who really knows me, I know that does not sound like me at all, does it?  But I'm tired...really tired.  The magnitude of what I'm in the midst of, coupled with everything else I've been dealing with, and have dealt with in the past year, has cracked me wide open, enlightened me & made me stronger in so many ways, and then, in an instant, broken me down in just as many or more. Fuckin' exhausting...how much more can I take? 

I can't just let it all "happen" to me...I need to think about it all...marinate in it...which I think brings a whole 'nother wave and depth that many people don't ever open up to & experience.  Which is not meant to say that I believe my pain is greater than anyone else's, not by any means...I just know I experience each and every one of the layers of my life experiences and see things in ways that others don't.  For instance, when served a piece of layer chocolate cake, most would simply cut through all the layers with their fork and take a bite without a 2nd thought, whereas I would take apart and savor each layer, considering the cake seperate from the frosting, and then considering the 2 as one, considering each ingredient..etc, etc...make sense?  Maybe I'm an overthinker or an overexperiencer...it makes the beauty of things so much more meaningful and beautiful, yet the rub is, it makes the painful things cut oh so much deeper.

 The beauty of this necklace is that when I went to Bella Wish to claim "trust" as my medicine, knowing it would need to be my focus...I was greeted with "searching"...and it spoke volumes to my heart, and the tears flowed.  For I am, and always will be searching, holding the space until he is found...one way or the other.  And if & when there is ever any resolution to that situation, either way, the magnitude of it will be with me for the rest of my life. 

Regardless of the outcome, I will always be searching to find that perfect peace and balance that was so constant in my life for those 6 weeks.  I must trust in myself to find strength from deeper than I know exists...I must trust myself to keep walking the path I was on before this tragedy struck, because I know that every step I took, although sometimes made lighter by another, was my own step...thankfully, I had the intuition & wisdom to check myself constantly to be sure I was always on my own two feet which is most likely the only reason I am still standing at the moment.

 
I also am wearing the Hei Matau.  I regret that I did not listen to the intuition that told me we needed this sooner.  I knew it, without knowing why, and chose to put it off for several reasons...(in hindsight, so silly & insecure of me), then a few days into this tragedy the intution regarding it came again...it even popped up in the sidebar of my Facebook wall - a slap in the face that will sting for a long time to come...and I knew better than to dismiss it a second time.  Mine is crafted entirely from Mother of Pearl - a stone of sincerity, bringing truth to situations and loyalty to a cause,  no coincidence there, 'eh?

trust...and searching...

real talk...cracked open & raw...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" - Anais Nin

Today I face the reality that this quote was not my truth, but someone else's...for over the course of 6 weeks, I allowed myself to open up and blossom in ways I never have in my entire life...

...and it was beautiful...and peaceful...and so comfortable...and there was a balance like I've never known...

...but in the blink of an eye, that grounding has crumbled out from under me...

...I never thought I'd be so close to such a tragedy...

...but here I am...left alone...with a such a ghastly pain words cannot describe.

And I am left wondering...should I embrace those 6 weeks or curse them?

So much will never be the same...

...all of a sudden, so many things, I fear, now will be unbearable and/or unfulfilling...

...I will dread certain places, days, numbers, songs, poems, movies, food, words, etc, etc...

Today, as I tended to the tasks of my daily life, I tried so desperately to keep it together, to focus (if only mentally) on self-care & self-love today...desperately seeking the peace & balance that was a perfect part of me for those 6 weeks...

...but it is, still, nowhere to be found.

In some ways I feel like a warrior, for I have promised to fight till I'm bloody, battered, unrecognizable and on my last breath...because I know the true value of what is missing...

...yet, I also feel like a fresh cut, trampled flower with no hope of being revived...

...my bloom was so very beautiful, so private, and so short-lived...

...and while I'd thought that beautiful stories would be written about my beautiful bloom...

...I fear now, if that is to be, at this point, it may only be at the penning of mine own hand which now trembles so...it would be absolutely illegible.

So for now...

...I trudge through my days...(I've been told I'm supposed to just try to float, but the air is as thick as mud, trudging is the best I can do for now)...

...sipping tea, and taking occasional bites of cottage cheese, pouring a glass of wine, taking a sip and pouring the rest right back into the bottle, eating enormous bowls of fucking Golden puffs cereal, and handfuls of salt & vinegar Pringles...

...and my nights...

...my place of centering, where I crawl under the covers, much, much earlier than ever before...and get as still as I can...body, soul & spirit...and I wait for intuition to come in...and I seek that connection that once seemed to light the whole world...I seek it because I still feel the warm glow of it's embers...there is still hope...and I wait for insight and answers and resolution.

I TRUST...in the magnitude of it all...I PRAY for a miracle...

...and through the encouragement & wisdom of a dear friend who sometimes oftentimes, knows me better than I know my own self...

...I understand that now, more than ever, I must find my strength from deeper than I know exists and above all else...

...that it is imperative that I TRUST and seek from within.