yesterday...
I felt the pull, to get off the highway on the way home...
and travel a different way...
knowing without knowing...
there was a reason...
and as soon as I saw this pow-wow...
I knew why...
I walked around...
humble...
grateful...
the drumming...
the energy...
filled my soul...
I shed a few tears of gratitude...
and was on my way...
Zena Moon "Wisdom" & "Air" candles aglow....
tonight....
I was blessed with a phone call from a dear soul....
one of the things we discussed was something we are both working through....
I knew beforehand that this would be one of the topics of discussion...
so before we spoke....
I began MENDING...with intention...my favorite pair of jeans that ripped while I was wearing them about a month ago....
as a symbol...
to honor the healing process of what I knew we would both so openly share...
I will continue this evening to honor us both in our bravery and openness with each other....
and I will continue mending these jeans with intention...
for both of us...
been snuggled in like a hibernating bear since yesterday...
a bit under the weather...
snuggled into the covers, sleeping, letting my body heal itself...
crawled out briefly for a cup of lemon ginger tea, a baked potato, and some time with a book given to me by one of my patrons...
I rarely get sick...(last time I can remember was about 2 years ago)...
strange as it may seem...
I'm feeling grateful for this pause...this forced solitude...
last week, things moved way too fast for me...
I was caught up in things that did not allow me the space to dwell and marinate in what I really wanted to...my perspicacious nature was veiled by the distractions around me...
so today it feels good...(even though I feel a bit under the weather)...
to be still...
to recalibrate...
to center myself...
protection & peace within...
easing...releasing...
healing...quietly...
ceremony 12-25-11
Today, I opened the tipi flap to my soul.
for me, it was about rebuilding Cantewasake -(can-te-wah-sha-keh) - fortitude, strength of heart and mind.
Originally, I was not supposed to be alone on this day...
but 1 week ago, I felt the wisdom of the elders, the intuition and insight was clear...
and I knew that I would be left alone...again...
the anticipation of the blow, somehow this time, made the sting duller than usual...
but it stung nonetheless.
Instead of letting the disregard and rejection consume me...I turned inward...
knowing that the pain of giving too much, to too many, over the past several weeks has caught up with me once again...
and left me completely alone.
Instead of condemning myself for caring too much...for giving too much, today, I honored myself...
I slept late, I loved myself, I lounged, I read, I cooked, I painted, I enjoyed the quiet, I had ceremony, I drummed, I centered and I did not speak one word aloud...
a day that I was trepidacious about just a few days ago, became a day that I am graciously marinating in...
feeling humble & grateful today...
Honoring the solstice is something lost to most, so today, rather than honoring a holiday that holds nothing for me, it feels deeply meaningful to choose to make a connection to the ancients who speak to me, strengthen me and guide me back to my path when I go astray...
Pazi's Place ~ Thanksgiving 2011
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday...
even as a little girl...
I remember sitting on the high stool in the kitchen with my grandmother...
before the sun rose...
while the rest of the household slept...
peeling potatoes for her as she lovingly and quietly prepared a feast for our family.
This year, is very different for me than any other...
I am cut off from my past...
so I did what I do best...
what I do when I don't know what else to do...
I gave...
not much...
in hindsight, I wasn't even needed...
but I was present...
and ready to embrace and welcome anyone who did not have a table to go to this Thanksgiving...
I witnessed tears of pain...
tears of joy...
tears of gratitude...
I was hugged by grateful, tender souls...
who were truly thankful for the dinner and company that was given freely to them this day...
I was simply present...
I don't know if I made any difference today for anyone...
but what I do know is that selfishly, by giving...
I made it through the day...
with only a few tears of my own...
and for that, I am thankful...
10/30/11 ~ laying it down...
not too long ago...
I scrolled a single word on a scrap of paper...
a little release...
and instantly I knew that I wanted to wear that word...
everyday...
to remind myself...
that I am "sacred" and must come first...
and now, it lives with me forever...
as a beautiful...
yet, not so gentle reminder.
how can I put into words the significance of something which I cannot yet explain...
this bracelet has a story to tell...
it was meant for me...so I did not hesitate to purchase it for myself on August 2nd...
then part of the feather, a few quills, broke off just a few days later, during the toughest week of my life...
which represented so much.
In it's brokenness, it has been a source of strength for me as I've been healing over the past two months...
then this past weekend, I found myself, jumping off a boat into the sea...
the sea that calls me...
that cradles me...
that reflects the moon that I adore & constantly feel the pull of...
and when the sweet sea nudged me back into the boat, I noticed that the feather charm was missing...it's hard to tell from this photo, but it didn't just fall off...it "broke" off...
freeing itself from me...a letting go that I had no choice in...
stripped of my token of strength...
left alone so to speak...in a tiny boat...
however, interestingly enough...
I wasn't alone...
there was another sweet soul there with me...
who tenderly listened through my tears as I tried to explain that it was okay, because I knew there was a positive significance to the breaking away, even though I had no clue what that significance was specifically, it truly was no coincidence that the feather had broken away in that moment...in that way...
Last night, I was gifted with a few words from the universe, that resonated deep and brought to mind the loss of my feather...
“Life will break you. Living alone won't protect you from that, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart."
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless about getting hurt again...
but she makes it easier...to open up...and trust...
A dear soul said to me that "A Vision" gives them hope & optimism about love and being loved"...
I couldn't have said it better myself...
through my window during hurricane Irene
How distracted and caught up with the "things of the world" one must be to say, (during a hurricane no less), "we are without power"...
for sitting in the graylight of daylight this day, in my solitude all of my senses are touched and heightened by the power of the wind...
��� I see the trees bowing & breaking in respect & fear of the powerful wind...
��� I feel the sensual touch of the wind on my skin as it finds it's way through my old carriage house windows...
��� I taste the cool, fresh hurricane raindrops on my lips as I dash outside to move my truck from harm's way...
��� I smell the fragrant, tropical bouquet of the hurricane wind, a complex blend of leaves, mist & earth carried all the way up the coast...
��� but most importantly, as I sit in the solitude of my sacred space, I hear the wisdom of the wind speaking straight to my soul...
reassuring me...
guiding me...
teaching me...
comforting me...
yes...only the wind...
no electric company could offer me what I have been gifted today...
only the wind...
I've been riding around like this for 12 days...
the back of my Explorer full of old paperwork, old bills, business files...the minuta of my life accumulated over the past 16 years...
holy crap.
today, I said, no more...
and began shredding it...
it felt good...more cleansing...
gosh I hate "stuff" and having to hang on it for tax purposes etc.
so glad to free myself of it all.
When I was told I had to go pick it all up, I was feeling pretty low...
it was a few days after my birthday...I was still feeling really hurt...
as I picked up the boxes and bags to load them into my car, one old cancelled check happened to fall out of the bottom of one of the boxes...
I bent down to pick it up and saw that it was the check that I had written to Cole's Auction in the amount of $346.50 a very long time ago...
and I was reminded that not only had I picked out my own engagement ring...
I had paid for it also.
What are the chances...that that one check is the only piece of paper that fell out of any of those boxes...
A dear soul, not long ago, used to tell me almost everyday, "there truly are no coincidences"...
I am allowing that check to offer me hope...
someday, someone will take the time to choose something for me...
they will invest their own $ in a gift...
they will show me how a birthday can be a special day, simply by remembering it, and if I may ask anything, that it simply be a tender touch and a few heartfelt whispered words...
and the next time a boy gives me flowers I do not want to be fooled as I was on this day...
is it too much to ask that the single flower I receive does not come out of a bunch that was purchased for someone else...boy it sucked when a little boy innocently spoke and I realized that once again, I was only an afterthought...
what does it feels like to be someone's first thought...
I simply do not know...
yet.
self-portrait ~ August 15, 2011
"to keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it" ~ Mother Teresa
It hasn't been easy...
especially over the past 9 days...
my heart is still stinging...
I gave because I wanted to...
but again, found myself unloved...discarded & forgotten so quickly...
realizing in hindsight that I conformed again...for another...
who never took an interest in getting to know me...
or wanted to know about the things that beat my heart...
or responded warmly to my touch...
or held me as I desired...
but somehow it was comfortable for a time...
the walking on eggshells...
the tears as I fell asleep, longing to be held.
Alone now...
completely alone...
it really sucked at first...
but now,
I'm starting to feel healthy...
and vibrant...
so much I want to bring forth...
so much I want to share...
so much I want to experience...
I still long to share my journey...
but now I realize that the right companion will not be in front, dragging me behind...
but rather, will walk along side of me...
holding my hand...
and will smile at me...with tender adoration...
and I back at them...
peace and balance...
I can feel it on the horizon...
speaking of the things I want to bring forth and share....
I just went and measured the space today for my upcoming solo show at Amy's Place in Providence,
RI. So looking forward to immersing myself in this work...so looking forward to bringing it forth
and sharing it...the show will run from mid-September 2011 - mid-October 2011...more details
coming soon...
