yesterday...
I felt the pull, to get off the highway on the way home...
and travel a different way...
knowing without knowing...
there was a reason...
and as soon as I saw this pow-wow...
I knew why...
I walked around...
humble...
grateful...
the drumming...
the energy...
filled my soul...
I shed a few tears of gratitude...
and was on my way...
ORANGE...
I quite like it....it warms my heart...it comforts me....
as far as colors go, the only one that can stand a chance against orange for me is purple...
tonight, I did as I do...
looked over the flowers at Trader Joe's...
fell in love with the white Stock and the yellow Ranunculus...each...$5.99/bunch
but as usual, only felt worthy of the $3.99 selections...
so I chose these orange beauties.
still feeling tender and vulnerable tonight....
hoping it's just the pull of the moon and no need for concern....
photo taken while strolling tonight as my duds went round and round at the laundro...
maybe it's the pull of the full moon tonight....
but my heart feels heavy...and has since yesterday....
feeling very tender....pulling in to protect myself.
As I walked to the coffee shop while my clothes were washing, this ensemble in the window of CladIn caught my eye...
I'm not so drawn to the "over" top, but the dress that is peeking out from underneath....I {heart} it so....
I imagine it probably costs in the neighborhood of $845749459459745 dollars in this chic little store....
but even so, I've decided I'm going to go try it on when the store is open.
heck, maybe I'll even muster enough self-worth to actually buy it if it feels as amazing as it looks...
I am fighting these days for my self-worth....knowing that in a few weeks, I'll be able to roam barefoot in a wide open safe space...connecting with earth and water, fire and sky....and another soul who thus far, I've only met in my dreams....
honoring my journey...
I, (guiltily), snapped this photo tonight of this unsuspecting guy in Trader Joe's. I couldn't resist because his dreads are quite possibly the coolest dreadlocks I've ever seen on a white boy.
My own dreadlock journey is on the horizon, and I'm looking forward to the transitions it will bring.
I wonder how long it took for these beauties to evolve...
a simple reminder that most things just take time and patience for healthy growth.
self-portrait ~ 12/17/11 ~ thriftin'
for protection...from what you ask...?
maybe everything & everybody...for a little while.
you see, I am a trusting, open soul...
I speak what I feel, and I hold the space for others to do the same.
I care so deeply... (you have no idea)...even for those I do not know.
how I want to cradle your hurting heart in my arms...tight against my chest...radiating tenderness and love...running my fingers through your hair, in a way that let's you know..."you matter, you are valued"...washing away all the stings and cuts of unkind words spoken, and cold shoulders given by others whom you've trusted...those who you loved and/or still love.
...and when I feel something in return, I open more, peeling away layers...like a tender fruit, soft...ripe...ready to be savored, enjoyed...appreciated.
Over the past few weeks, I have had several hurting souls engage me...I could feel their tiredness of being cut down by harsh words...
their desire...
to be heard...
to be understoood...
to be appreciated...
their desire to know & feel that someone genuinely recognized that "yes, this one is special...this one has value...this one matters"...
and so I did what I do...
I listened...
I felt...
I understood...
I appreciated...
I gave...
and instead of being savored and enjoyed...
I was gobbled up quickly...then...discarded like an apple core...
tossed to the stony ground...left to rot, without a second thought.
Not a one took the time to dig deeper to my core for my seeds...
to carefully replant them in the good, deep dark earth...
so I could rejuvinate...
so I could feel a ripening...a growing...rejuvinating...
a cycle of nurture, growth and giving.
No, not a one.
I shared the details of these "interactions/conversations" with a wise soul who told me I wasn't going to like the advice he was going give me...
he went on to say that he thinks that I need aloneness for awhile...
that I need to just say no to those who come to me in this way...whether they seek simple conversation or something more, that I need to shut them down before it even begins...
I understand his point, however, I fear that shutting down to others would change who I am...drastically.
(follow me now)...
I have never liked winter clothing at all...
I am so much more comfortable in a pair of flip flops and a tank top and little floaty skirt.
Today, however, I tried something new...lots of layers...in the photo above, you can't even see them all. I am wearing 2 shirts, a long sweater vest, a scarf, a coat, my fingerless gloves, a hat, a skirt, wool knee highs and my boots...
and I discovered, that once I put it all together, I really liked the layers...I had fun choosing how and what I wanted to layer...and in the end I felt comfortable, warm and good about myself.
what I'm feeling about all of this at the moment, is that while I don't think it will ever be possible for me to shut people out, I think it will be wise for me to add a few layers...for protection...and somehow, to find a way to layer in a way that allows me to still connect with others, but also allows me the time to peel away the layers of myself a bit more slowly...so as not to find myself standing naked and cold wondering WTF just happened...
As I ventured out this afternoon with all these layers, one stop was my favorite art store...I had a coupon to use, and this was the only day I'd be free to make it there before it expires. The boy behind the counter said "I really like your outfit", I laughed a little and graciously said thanks. Then I could feel that feeling...the one I get when I know someone would like to engage me more...so I gently added a few more layers, purchased my paints and panels and got the hell outta there.
There is more that I want to share on the subject of hurting souls and how I relate to them...it's so intense lately, more to come on that, but for now I'll just say that I am grateful, for the warmth and protection of my newly discovered layers...
heart sighting while making an egg sandwich for a customer - 11/17/11
Whenever I'm feeling a little stretched thin...
hearts appear in my world...
little messengers...
speaking encouragement & promise to my soul.
I've been working alot lately...
for others...(how did that happen?)
feeling a little stretched thin these days...
but pushing through...
looking ahead to a sojourn of sorts...
knowing it will be the perfect medicine for my heart and soul.
my hair right before bed 11/9/11
it's speaking to me...
my hair.
showing me...
telling me it's time.
it amazes me each night lately...
how, with no coaxing at all...
it twists...
and turns...
and knots itself.
It's as if little faeries are dancing throughout my hair...
starting to lock it up.
And while I had always planned on having my tresses professionally locked to begin with...
it makes me smile when I witness the impatience my hair is demonstrating as it trys to dread itself daily.
So even though I currently tame my tresses each night to keep the locking process at bay for now...
I know that my dreadlock journey has already begun...
my view this morning...
there's something about waking on the sea...
where by I have no choice but to pause as I start the day...
my soul is infused differently somehow...
it feels curious...
and quiet.
so I open myself wide...
I welcome the opportunity for deeper understanding.
and this evening...
I couldn't help but take a little walk to the water's edge alone...
she spoke gently to me...
the sea.
As she lapped the shore, I could feel her tender touch...
it was as if she were rhythmically, gently stroking my hair...
sweet, sacred, and ancient...
magical...
Saturday, I was invited to sit with another in their sacred space...
we sat together...on opposite sides of this vessel...
I on the east...he on the west...
anchored at sea for 5 hours...
holding the space for each other to release...
speaking freely...
our words were enough in that time...
a rare gift.
Grandmother Sun was my chaperone...
when she set, I knew it was time for me to go...
part of me longed to linger...
to lay down on that seat and gaze at the stars all night long...
in silence and understanding...
but the stars scolded me and said "your time to gaze at us all night long will come, sweet girl...don't worry, we will be right here waiting for you, another time, and we will save our brightest sparkles just for you".
on the dinghy back to shore, the sea lit up behind us...
Bioluminescence danced behind us...the whole way...
like little sea fairies...
so delicately beautiful.
