adding layers...

self-portrait ~ 12/17/11 ~ thriftin'

for protection...from what you ask...?

maybe everything & everybody...for a little while.

you see, I am a trusting, open soul...

I speak what I feel, and I hold the space for others to do the same.

I care so deeply... (you have no idea)...even for those I do not know.

how I want to cradle your hurting heart in my arms...tight against my chest...radiating tenderness and love...running my fingers through your hair, in a way that let's you know..."you matter, you are valued"...washing away all the stings and cuts of unkind words spoken, and cold shoulders given by others whom you've trusted...those who you loved and/or still love.

...and when I feel something in return, I open more, peeling away layers...like a tender fruit, soft...ripe...ready to be savored, enjoyed...appreciated.

Over the past few weeks, I have had several hurting souls engage me...I could feel their tiredness of being cut down by harsh words...

their desire...

to be heard...

to be understoood...

to be appreciated...

their desire to know & feel that someone genuinely recognized that "yes, this one is special...this one has value...this one matters"...

and so I did what I do...

I listened...

I felt...

I understood...

I appreciated...

I gave...

and instead of being savored and enjoyed...

I was gobbled up quickly...then...discarded like an apple core...

tossed to the stony ground...left to rot, without a second thought.

Not a one took the time to dig deeper to my core for my seeds...

to carefully replant them in the good, deep dark earth...

so I could rejuvinate...

so I could feel a ripening...a growing...rejuvinating...

a cycle of nurture, growth and giving.

No, not a one.

I shared the details of these "interactions/conversations" with a wise soul who told me I wasn't going to like the advice he was going give me...

he went on to say that he thinks that I need aloneness for awhile...

that I need to just say no to those who come to me in this way...whether they seek simple conversation or something more, that I need to shut them down before it even begins...

I understand his point, however, I fear that shutting down to others would change who I am...drastically. 

(follow me now)...

I have never liked winter clothing at all...

I am so much more comfortable in a pair of flip flops and a tank top and little floaty skirt.

Today, however, I tried something new...lots of layers...in the photo above, you can't even see them all.  I am wearing 2 shirts, a long sweater vest, a scarf, a coat, my fingerless gloves, a hat, a skirt, wool knee highs and my boots...

and I discovered, that once I put it all together, I really liked the layers...I had fun choosing how and what I wanted to layer...and in the end I felt comfortable, warm and good about myself. 

what I'm feeling about all of this at the moment, is that while I don't think it will ever be possible for me to shut people out, I think it will be wise for me to add a few layers...for protection...and somehow, to find a way to layer in a way that allows me to still connect with others, but also allows me the time to peel away the layers of myself a bit more slowly...so as not to find myself standing naked and cold wondering WTF just happened...

As I ventured out this afternoon with all these layers, one stop was my favorite art store...I had a coupon to use, and this was the only day I'd be free to make it there before it expires.  The boy behind the counter said "I really like your outfit", I laughed a little and graciously said thanks.  Then I could feel that feeling...the one I get when I know someone would like to engage me more...so I gently added a few more layers, purchased my paints and panels and got the hell outta there. 

There is more that I want to share on the subject of hurting souls and how I relate to them...it's so intense lately, more to come on that, but for now I'll just say that I am grateful, for the warmth and protection of my newly discovered layers...

Comments

[Kristi Stoughton]

I enjoy reading your blogs and following you along on your journey. I think you have a special kind of all-encompassing tenderness that reaches out to enfold people. That’s a special kind of gift.