through the power of Facebook, I've been making some re-connections with people from my past. I never thought I would care to "revisit" my pre-married self , but making these re-connections has really been eye-opening and healing for me in many ways.
Last night I reconnected with the sister of a high school sweetheart. I asked how she was and how her brother was and she told me he passed away back in 1994 at the tender age of 27. I had no idea. This news has been messing with my mind all day and saddens me so deeply.
So while this post is dedicated to him, it is for me. Because I never want to forget him...not ever.
We didn't go to the same school, but I was his girl when I was in 10th & 11th grade. His name was Chris Chito and I met him at the Lincoln Mall, a popular hang-out back then. It may be hard to imagine from this sweet prom photo and the pink bow tie, but he was an edgy boy. Oh yes, the kind every high school girl dreams of! I wish I had a picture of us on a regular day - we were not the "prom type" teenagers. This photo was taken at my Jr. Prom in 1985. I'm pretty sure we broke up shortly after this.
At first glance, if you saw Chris, you'd see what people referred to back then as a "punk". Green Army Jacket, jeans, ripped band t-shirt with a safety pin or two, black army boots, jet black spiked hair with a skinny tail in the back. You'd see silly parking lot stunts and mall antics. Back then, grown-ups shook their heads and called him a troublemaker full of teenage angst, however compared to today's standards of shows like "Jacka**"...seriously - he was harmless!
What many people never saw, was the Chris I knew and loved (however much a 16 year old girl can love a boy). The quiet moments...
He and I spent a lot of alone time together - sometimes I'd ditch figure skating lessons (sorry mom) and go pick him up and we'd sit in my car or his on deserted roads and talk, or he'd rent a hotel room and we'd jump on the bed or watch tv. We always managed to find places to get away to, just the 2 of us. It is in those times I think he was really free to be himself.
Sure, we spent a lot of raucous times with his friends at hardcore shows at Lupos & the Livingroom, but there was so much more to him than that.
He was sooooo smart - really, you have no idea! He was a huge reader and I always loved how he looked when he put on his glasses - so hawt!
He was hysterical - he could be so silly and such a tease...so lighthearted. Made me smile, made me laugh the way he'd dramatically say "Oh Anna!" when I was being too serious about life.
I remember being at his house one day, his very young niece(?)/cousin(?) was visiting and he said to her "Did you know that Anna danced in New York City?", and she replied, "So, I dance in Chicopee". We laughed so hard!
He was selfless & giving. I remember going through a bit of my own "angst" and feeling like I needed to "run away from home" for a bit. In an instant, he was there with cash in fist ready to take me wherever I wanted to go. I told him I thought I'd head to Florida (I have no idea why I thought that would be a good place to go!) When I told him I needed to go alone, he handed his cash to me and said "do what you need to do". I knew he was sad that I wanted to go alone, but honoring what I "needed to do" was more important to him than what he wanted or thought was best. I don't think he was more than 18 at the time. After all that, I chickened out and didn't go anywhere anyway. I'm not proud of it, but I ended up spending the money on clothes at the Gap instead (I remember one item was a pink crew neck sweater), he didn't hold it against me, he was just glad I changed my mind and stayed.
In the end, he pulled away from me...I remember showing up at a hair show he was modeling in. It was at a dark, dingy club in Providence. My mom dropped me off (seriously mom, what were you thinking??). When I found him there, he was a bit tipsy to say the least, and I could tell he was not happy that I had "infringed" on his gig. It was not a good night, I begged him to take me home and when he finally did, I was scared the whole way that we'd crash or something.
I don't really remember, how things ended - but I really value having had the opportunity to be someone he "let in" for that brief year (?) we were together.
Sometimes the most amazing people just can't wrap their heads around themselves and see all the goodness and "stuff" they have to offer to the world. I always believed he'd grow up and do amazing things. He left this earth way too soon.
It breaks my heart that I'll never be able to re-connect with Chris, like I have with a few others. That I'll never have the chance to recount with him the "good times" and laugh at the stupid stuff we did too. That I'll never be able to sit across from him at a table with my hands on top of his and look into his eyes and tell him how he'll always have a special place in my heart, and how glad I am that he has grown into a happy, fulfilled man (because he never had the chance to). That he'll never get to witness what I've become, (I think he would dig the fact that I'm an artist now). I'm sad that he'll never know the joys of marriage and a family as I have been blessed with, (I think he would have been an amazing uncle, daddy & husband if he had had the opportunity to grow into those roles).
Rest in peace, brotha. May I never forget the way you touched my life and how those little bits have had a part in shaping who I've become. Hope to see you on the flip side...we have some catching up to do....♥ Anna


