Anna-Marie Still ~ Evoking Art Everyday

in memory of Chris...

through the power of Facebook, I've been making some re-connections with people from my past.  I never thought I would care to "revisit" my pre-married self , but making these re-connections has really been eye-opening and healing for me in many ways.

Last night I reconnected with the sister of a high school sweetheart.  I asked how she was and how her brother was and she told me he passed away back in 1994 at the tender age of 27.   I had no idea.   This news has been messing with my mind all day and saddens me so deeply. 

So while this post is dedicated to him, it is for me.  Because I never want to forget him...not ever. 

 
 We didn't go to the same school, but I was his girl when I was in 10th & 11th grade.  His name was Chris Chito and I met him at the Lincoln Mall, a popular hang-out back then.  It may be hard to imagine from this sweet prom photo and the pink bow tie, but he was an edgy boy.  Oh yes, the kind every high school girl dreams of!  I wish I had a picture of us on a regular day - we were not the "prom type" teenagers.  This photo was taken at my Jr. Prom in 1985.  I'm pretty sure we broke up shortly after this.

At first glance, if you saw Chris, you'd see what people referred to back then as a "punk".  Green Army Jacket, jeans, ripped band t-shirt with a safety pin or two, black army boots, jet black spiked hair with a skinny tail in the back.  You'd see silly parking lot stunts and mall antics.  Back then, grown-ups shook their heads and called him a troublemaker full of teenage angst, however compared to today's standards of shows like "Jacka**"...seriously - he was harmless!

What many people never saw, was the Chris I knew and loved (however much a 16 year old girl can love a boy).  The quiet moments...

He and I spent a lot of alone time together - sometimes I'd ditch figure skating lessons (sorry mom) and go pick him up and we'd sit in my car or his on deserted roads and talk, or he'd rent a hotel room and we'd jump on the bed or watch tv.  We always managed to find places to get away to, just the 2 of us.  It is in those times I think he was really free to be himself.

Sure, we spent a lot of raucous times with his friends at hardcore shows at Lupos & the Livingroom, but there was so much more to him than that.

He was sooooo smart - really, you have no idea!  He was a huge reader and I always loved how he looked when he put on his glasses - so hawt!

He was hysterical - he could be so silly and such a tease...so lighthearted.  Made me smile, made me laugh the way he'd dramatically say "Oh Anna!" when I was being too serious about life.  

I remember being at his house one day, his very young niece(?)/cousin(?) was visiting and he said to her "Did you know that Anna danced in New York City?", and she replied, "So, I dance in Chicopee".  We laughed so hard! 

He was selfless & giving.  I remember going through a bit of my own "angst" and feeling like I needed to "run away from home" for a bit.  In an instant, he was there with cash in fist ready to take me wherever I wanted to go.  I told him I thought I'd head to Florida (I have no idea why I thought that would be a good place to go!)  When I told him I needed to go alone, he handed his cash to me and said "do what you need to do".  I knew he was sad that I wanted to go alone, but honoring what I "needed to do" was more important to him than what he wanted or thought was best.  I don't think he was more than 18 at the time.  After all that, I chickened out and didn't go anywhere anyway.   I'm not proud of it, but I ended up spending the money on clothes at the Gap instead (I remember one item was a pink crew neck sweater), he didn't hold it against me, he was just glad I changed my mind and stayed.  

In the end, he pulled away from me...I remember showing up at a hair show he was modeling in.  It was at a dark, dingy club in Providence.  My mom dropped me off (seriously mom, what were you thinking??).  When I found him there, he was a bit tipsy to say the least, and I could tell he was not happy that I had "infringed" on his gig.  It was not a good night, I begged him to take me home and when he finally did, I was scared the whole way that we'd crash or something. 

I don't really remember, how things ended - but I really value having had the opportunity to be someone he "let in" for that brief year (?) we were together. 

Sometimes the most amazing people just can't wrap their heads around themselves and see all the goodness and "stuff" they have to offer to the world.  I always believed he'd grow up and do amazing things.  He left this earth way too soon.

It breaks my heart that I'll never be able to re-connect with Chris, like I have with a few others. That I'll never have the chance to recount with him the "good times" and laugh at the stupid stuff we did too.  That I'll never be able to sit across from him at a table with my hands on top of his and look into his eyes and tell him how he'll always have a special place in my heart, and how glad I am that he has grown into a happy, fulfilled man (because he never had the chance to).  That he'll never get to witness what I've become, (I think he would dig the fact that I'm an artist now).  I'm sad that he'll never know the joys of marriage and a family as I have been blessed with, (I think he would have been an amazing uncle, daddy & husband if he had had the opportunity to grow into those roles).

Rest in peace, brotha.  May I never forget the way you touched my life and how those little bits have had a part in shaping who I've become.  Hope to see you on the flip side...we have some catching up to do....♥ Anna 

  

over my shoulder Sunday 9

a peek over my shoulder today would find me smiling at happy mail fetched from the mailbox...

...a lovely postcard from this artist...with sweet words just for me...♥ her for so many reasons...

also, you'd see me painting with a different medium today...

...fulfilling a long overdue promise to my sweet little girly girl.  I do not know where she got her super-girliness from.  Mind you, nowadays, I do enjoy a pedicure from time to time, but at her age, I was the tom-boyiest girl you would have ever known!

Even though tomorrow will drag me out of bed much earlier than I'd prefer, with duties of taking the 3 big kids to school and D to work, I'm pretty sure if you look over my shoulder late this evening, you'll see me finishing up the painting I was working on the other day.

So tell me, what would I see/have seen if I peeked over your shoulder on this Sunday?  

she walked in the snow...

 
I stayed up late last night painting...bliss...peaceful...fulfilling...release.

A lazy morning followed and I woke to falling snow, and a weather report predicting steady snowfall all day through tomorrow.  So with that, I was out for milk,  juice & eggs to carry us through tomorrow's weather.

Upon my return, instead of walking into the warmth of the house, I walked in the other direction...I walked in the snow, in the woods that surround our home and experienced a heightened sense of self with each footprint I made.

 and then I saw myself in this tree.  The raw inside exposed, emerging from the protection of it's exterior to face the elements.

Thank you 2010, for giving me that minute to find my footing...

today I am boldly making footprints for you to find me. 

I am boldly shedding my exterior self for you to feel me.  

And when the moon comes out tonight I will howl so you can hear me.   

Hello 2010...just give me one more minute to find my footing...

waiting for paint layers to dry and holding tight to my intentions for 2010

 
trying desperately to authentically embody the boldness that burns in my heart.  

I see me...the me I envision for 2010...I'm right there, within my reach...go ahead girl, let go of those things so you can "be free to be yourself"...it's okay, you can do this...    

Declaring Intentions 2010

With 2010 just 2 days away, I'm ready to declare my 2010 intentions as I talked about here.

1) Get my family outdoors in a big way on a regular basis.  

 I grew up as a barefoot girl.  I can remember running out of the house up our dirt driveway, hearing my mother calling out from behind me, "get back here and put your shoes on!"  And I continued to run like the wind...that is until I cut my foot on something in the driveway...and with that, I was scolded promptly and on one of many trips to the emergency room in our VW bus with my foot gushing blood, all because of my need to always be outside, barefoot, in the woods when I was a kid.

Even in my "single" adult life, I found ways to be outdoors & in the woods a good deal of the time, performing in an outdoor theater company that had me in the woods from the time I got out of work until well after midnight many nights and consuming entire weekends as well.   

Marriage brought me indoors. My dream honeymoon was the Grand Canyon, but we went with D's all-inclusive resort choice instead.  D humored my desire for camping a few times & a few ski trips too, but with the addition of  babies, I transitioned from a tent to hotels to keep him sane.

Over the past 7 years I've had the good fortune to be gifted trips that allowed me down-time to get back outdoors.  Each time, I choose a different outdoor adventure. 

me & Ronan (at 5mths) & Lyns - hiking the Narrows River in Zion National Park - Sept 2008

I remember calling the guide from Paragon Adventures to let him know I'd have a baby with me and I was shocked to learn that I was the only one who had ever proposed to hike the Narrows with a baby.  Certainly there had to be someone way more earthy & crunchy than me who did it with their baby?

me & R after the river hike.

As far as I know, little Ronan is still the only baby who's been up the Narrows in Zion, and while I still don't get why that "amazes" so many people, I think it will be kind of cool for him to know when he gets older!

While these particular trips were only once a year, I feel like they grounded me for the whole next year.  I did not have the benefit of one of these trips this past year and I feel it in a bad way!  Recently, this girl brought to my attention this book and while I'm only a wee bit in so far, it all makes sense why I feel like I do about the outdoors.

That is why my #1 intention for 2010 is getting my family outdoors in a big way on a regular basis.  While a few members of my family may whine and complain the first time I make them climb Mt. Monadnock ,or some similar adventure with me this spring, I know it'll be good for them in so many ways that they'll come to appreciate. 

2) My personal art/painting will be my primary artistic/business focus.  This is a huge transition for me...I'll share more in upcoming posts.

3) Live more simply - I'm savoring last week and this because it allows me to live more simply.  I don't bring D to work, the kids & I stay home.  No errands, no spending, just stress-free tasks at hand at home. 

With a little planning, and adjusting I'm going to do what I can to capture the vibe of this week and blanket 2010 with it.  Better Meal Planning,  Less trips to the store, less frivilous spending, better business tracking.  Doing less and doing what I need to do more efficiently to free my brain to enjoy the things that matter more.

4) Move  - It is true that I am a free spirit and I don't think I ever feel "settled" for very long in any one home.  This home, while I am VERY thankful that it has served our families needs for the past almost 4 years, has burdened us with a landlord who insists on numerous appraisals (5 in the past 3 years) which stress me out to no end, and a lack of fixing things that continue to cost us time & money.   We are ready for a big change and are very open to all options which may even mean moving across country.  I can't wait to see how this one plays out!  

There are several other things that I will be seeking in 2010 - but those are probably better suited for my Mondo Beyondo list which I'll be creating in this online class is a few weeks.

Back to savoring this week and the freedom to snuggle warm in our den...think I'll be sweeping my desk of all so called obligations this afternoon and paint into the wee hours of the night...   

On writing, snow and Christmas...

I've been working on a writing project - mostly in my head over the past 5 days and then committing it to paper last night and earlier today.  I have to admit that although I knew what I wanted to say in my head, when I actually tried to put it on the page it was hard.  Hard because what I wanted to say comes from a deep down place and reveals some of my insecurities among other things.  I was asked today by a few Facebook friends, "How do you get started (writing from a raw and honest place)?"   I don't know if there is any one easy answer to this question, but here is what I did:

First, I thought alot about the subject I was given and the many angles I could approach it from.  What I kept coming back to was how I wanted "my story" to come from a raw and honest place.  When I started to put it on the page, I thought, this is hard!  Will anyone get me? or will they think who the heck is this lost chick and why was she asked to write anything?  I had to stop myself from worrying about what others might think and just write.  I wrote down fragmented thoughts and ramblings and wrote and wrote until it all started to make sense...to me.   With a scribble out here, and a switch-a-roo there it all started to gel into a coherent story that gets to the heart of where I'm at.  While it can be scary to put it all out there on a page and form it into something more coherent than random thoughts and babblings, (especially when you know the masses will get to read it too!), it is so freeing to recognize and deal with things about yourself that you either didn't realize or unknowingly surpressed.  Calling these things on the carpet, so to speak, gives you the ability to stare them in the face and determine how to address them and grow.  (I hope that answers my Facebook friends questions in a way that gives them what they need to give it a go)!

I'm still pinching myself that Jenny Doh reached out and asked me to be a Guest Curator for CRESENDOh in March with other artists that I admire like this girl, and her, and her, and her and her, and her, and...well you get the picture, right?  Not sure that I measure up to the talent in this mix of fab artists that I'm sharing March with, but shhh...don't tell Jenny that!   

I'm still working on declaring my intentions for 2010, but that too, involves a great deal of digging deep and there's only so much of that I can do in one day!  So I'll table that for another post this week and leave you with a few lighter moments from the past 10 days or so.  Like:

 
Ronan's first real "play" in the snow!  I wish I had taken a picture or used my Flip camera to film the way he just kept walking the length of our driveway...for those of you who have never been to our house, our driveway is super long.  We are set way back in the woods - so the length of our driveway is quite a trek for anyone especially a "not quite" 2 year old in a chunky snow suit!  He loves the snow!

  
Igloos built by D for wee ones to sit in.

 
Making holiday cookies with cutters from my childhood (and a few newer ones too).

 
 jumping for joy on Christmas morning (as many times as Ronan told them to)...  

Back to thinking, writing, painting and declaring intentions...more to come soon...

 

Catching Up...again...(over my shoulder Sunday 8, best of 09, etc)

 So busy with classes and such but here's a quick recap:

First, over my shoulder (last) Sunday:

you would have seen me laughing and playing ping pong at my husband's company Christmas party.  It was a casual night at the owners home, lots of mingling and silliness.  They are a very work hard-play hard bunch!  And yes, I broke that paddle with my mad ping-pong skills!

Onto catching up with Gwen Bell's Best of 09 Challenge:

I need to catch up with 5 prompts:

12) New Food - I'd have to say that the food that wowed me most, was not "new" food but better described as "rediscovered" food.  Yesterday, I was running like a dog and stopped into East Side Pockets in Providence for lunch to go.  I eat Middle Eastern food quite often, but it's mostly from Trader Joes or other pre-packaged versions.  I forgot how good REAL Middle Eastern Food, prepped FRESH by REAL Middle Eastern people is - it was AMAZING especially the hummus!

13) change made to the place I live - no changes here in the past year as I've been feeling the pull to move.  It's been driving me crazy not doing any decorating or painting of walls, but I feel the time and $$ would be a waste since I'm looking to make a move.

14) Rush - (still mulling this one over)

15) Best Packaging:  

Let me preface this by telling you that I said that I was so excited about this original art purchase, that I might just kiss it when it got here...here's proof that I did!  This piece moved me for so many reasons, and when it came last week, I couldn't even bear to open it.  I was just savoring the knowledge that it was here.  I waited 3 days before opening this package and my heart fluttered when I did because this is what was inside:

 
a few extra treats and look at how she wrapped my painting!  How am I supposed to open that adorable package???  Seriously!   So...I've been savoring it just like that for a few days too.  I'm almost ready to open it and take in the beauty of the original...almost.  When I do, I'll post more about why it means so much to me, that is, if I can put it into words.

16) Tea - hands down the best tea of the year will be no surprise if you are one of my regular blog readers as I make mention of it alot.  Tazo's African Red Bush Tea.

Feeling like my time is not my own these days...having to drop what I'm doing (or would like to be doing) many days to do what others need me to do.  Trying hard not to let it get me down or frustrate me too much.  I'll be straight out at least until Wednesday, (which consequently is just 2 days before Christmas).  

I sure hope that you are finding a way to keep the chaos at bay, and are stealing little peaceful moments for yourself and your loved ones this holiday season!  

I'm hoping to share some cute packaging ideas with you here soon!   Our pressies are going to look so cute!

   

Best place of 2009...

With so many travels this past year, my "top pick"  for best place of 2009 may surprise you...

...or not.

David had been after me for ages to get onto Facebook.  Before finally "giving in", I couldn't imagine adding another thing that I had to "engage in & update" to my plate.  However, that husband of mine is a smart cookie!  

Everyday, I am able to connect with so many people I would not have time to otherwise!  In the short time I've been a part of Facebook, I've grown friendships and connections with students & collegues from my classes across the country, that I know otherwise, would never have the time or means to happen!  I've had the chance to re-connect with people from my past which has been enjoyable and surprizingly healing at times!   And with the organic process of "meeting" friends of friends of friends that Facebook offers, I've met amazing & inspiring people like Mati & Jen & Jenica...and on and on and on!

So while the beatnik in me would like to say that my favorite place was a funky little coffee shop or art studio, if I'm being totally honest, I'm a bit surprised that I have to confess my favorite place to go to everyday recently has been Facebook!

If you are resisting, like I was, I urge you to get connected.  And be sure to add me as a "friend" on Facebook - I'd love to get to know you better too! 

Be careful what you ask for...

...sometimes you just know in your gut what you need to do...and you go to your higher power, and spill it out...and your higher power says "if that's what you want, then let go and trust me..."  then the ball is in your court and you have to ask yourself "are you really ready for what it is you are asking for?"

I've been asking for some things, and as a result, I feel the ball has been put in my court...time for me to let go and make a move.  It's easy to ask for things, but when you know they are being given to you, that's when it can get scary.  To let go of what is comfortable and walk a new path...it can raise so many questions & doubts.

Yesterday, I joined Gwen Bell's Best of 2009 Challenge specifically because of the giveaway for a spot in the Mondo Beyondo class.   I spoke of it a bit here the day before it was even offered as a giveaway.  If you look here, you'll see how this giveaway motivated me to participate in Gwen's challenge, even though I had put it aside originally.  

And today, I was given what I asked for...I was given a spot in the Mondo Beyondo class...Seriously...if that isn't confirmation I'm on the right track, then I don't know what is.

Todays prompt in the Best of 2009 Challenge is:

10) Album of the Year:  For me, I have 3 cd's in particular that I play over and over and over....while I'm "getting down" with my painting in the studio:

first and foremost Lisa is my girl...for so many reasons.  If I could only own 1 cd, this would probably be it.

second, this is the dorkiest picture of John Mayer ever, but his voice....yeah, 'nuf said.

third, this man, gets better and better and better with age.  Saw him perform a few years back and was blown away on so many levels - so much to learn from this brilliant artist.

It drives David nuts that I will listen to the same cd over and over all day long, and this, quite possibly may be the most random assortment of "dated" music to some, but it works for me when I want to get in my creative groove.   

I'm still working on my "intentions" and will share more soon...but I have to say, 2010...I'm crushin' on you already! 

The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge...

...okay, you twisted my arm Gwen Bell...for a shot in the Mondo Beyondo January class, surely I'll play along ;) 

When I first heard of this Challenge, I thought it was a great idea, but I'm really trying to be good with my time so I originally opted not to get involved.  Then today I was tempted by the Giveaway and hence, resistance is futile!

Here's me catching up to today: 

1) Best Trip in 2009:  Tough call!  I traveled more in '09 than in any other year of my life!  There were tons of great travel moments for me, but if I had to pick one trip, I'd have to say the trip that had the biggest impact on me was teaching at Inspired Artist Workshop.  It was on that trip Paolo took this picture:

and captured not only my fierce love for my baby, but also a turning point that I'll never forget!  

2) Restaurant moment :  Another tough call - lots of travel leads to lots of awesome restaurant moments!  I really enjoyed eating at the Blue Lemon and the Naked Fish Bistro in Utah this August, because it was the first time I had a chance to bring David with me to Utah.  So many trips there - it was nice to finally be able to share a state I love with the man I love.  

3) Article:  The article that stands out for me was this one:

photo by Kelly Rae

from the sept/oct issue of Somerset Studios magazine  about the collaborative paintings that matiand Kelly Rae did together earlier this year.   

4) Book: I rarely read fiction anymore but was totally caught up in Everyone is Beautiful by Katherine Center.  What a delightful read!

5) Night Out:   A few months ago, I had a great night out that involved several different events, including a wine tasting with friends at Eno, yummy appetizers at Cuban Revolution, a Theater Company Reunion (that brought me a wave of emotions which have slowly ebbed into some wonderful understanding and healing), leaving the reunion went  onto drinks and great convo with a great couple (I hope they stay together!), and on again to Waterfire with another great couple!  I loved walking through the city to all the different stops we had planned - it was a whirlwind night filled with lots of great stand-alone moments!

6) Workshop/Conference:  see #1 above!

7) Blog Find of the Year:  I could make a HUGE list of websites I'm diggin' this year, but to narrow it down... I'm really lovin'... Pixie...Kelly Rae...Misty...Denise...and for completely different reasons, Boey.

8) Moment of Peace:  see photo in #1.

9) Challenge:  this...I'm still working through.  A letting go that needs to happen for me to move forward with my intentions.  (More to come on this soon, as I mentioned in yesterday's blogpost! )

Whew!  So there you have it folks!  I'm caught up with Gwen's Challenge...stay tuned for the rest of my list as I round out the rest, day by day!  Or better yet, play along and recount your own Best of 2009.