image found on tumblr...
much needed wisdom for my soul...
I feel that so few understand the nature of me...
how I am moved by the simple...
how I am moved by the subtle...
picking up pebbles...
toes in the grass...
my heart beats differently...
but no one seems to hear it like I do...
been snuggled in like a hibernating bear since yesterday...
a bit under the weather...
snuggled into the covers, sleeping, letting my body heal itself...
crawled out briefly for a cup of lemon ginger tea, a baked potato, and some time with a book given to me by one of my patrons...
I rarely get sick...(last time I can remember was about 2 years ago)...
strange as it may seem...
I'm feeling grateful for this pause...this forced solitude...
last week, things moved way too fast for me...
I was caught up in things that did not allow me the space to dwell and marinate in what I really wanted to...my perspicacious nature was veiled by the distractions around me...
so today it feels good...(even though I feel a bit under the weather)...
to be still...
to recalibrate...
to center myself...
protection & peace within...
easing...releasing...
healing...quietly...
new original artwork ~ AM Raven ~ 1/1/12
my gypsy soul is perched...
and ready...
so I am easing into this new year...
considering carefully all artistic opportunities that come my way, but holding my sojourn first and foremost in my heart...
last night, on New Year's Eve (truly no coincidence), I had a dream...that in it's own subtle way, was somehow reminiscent of "A Vision"...
and tonight...I painted...and interestingly enough, without trying, brought her forth again...
ceremony 12-25-11
Today, I opened the tipi flap to my soul.
for me, it was about rebuilding Cantewasake -(can-te-wah-sha-keh) - fortitude, strength of heart and mind.
Originally, I was not supposed to be alone on this day...
but 1 week ago, I felt the wisdom of the elders, the intuition and insight was clear...
and I knew that I would be left alone...again...
the anticipation of the blow, somehow this time, made the sting duller than usual...
but it stung nonetheless.
Instead of letting the disregard and rejection consume me...I turned inward...
knowing that the pain of giving too much, to too many, over the past several weeks has caught up with me once again...
and left me completely alone.
Instead of condemning myself for caring too much...for giving too much, today, I honored myself...
I slept late, I loved myself, I lounged, I read, I cooked, I painted, I enjoyed the quiet, I had ceremony, I drummed, I centered and I did not speak one word aloud...
a day that I was trepidacious about just a few days ago, became a day that I am graciously marinating in...
feeling humble & grateful today...
Honoring the solstice is something lost to most, so today, rather than honoring a holiday that holds nothing for me, it feels deeply meaningful to choose to make a connection to the ancients who speak to me, strengthen me and guide me back to my path when I go astray...
I, (guiltily), snapped this photo tonight of this unsuspecting guy in Trader Joe's. I couldn't resist because his dreads are quite possibly the coolest dreadlocks I've ever seen on a white boy.
My own dreadlock journey is on the horizon, and I'm looking forward to the transitions it will bring.
I wonder how long it took for these beauties to evolve...
a simple reminder that most things just take time and patience for healthy growth.
self-portrait ~ 12/17/11 ~ thriftin'
for protection...from what you ask...?
maybe everything & everybody...for a little while.
you see, I am a trusting, open soul...
I speak what I feel, and I hold the space for others to do the same.
I care so deeply... (you have no idea)...even for those I do not know.
how I want to cradle your hurting heart in my arms...tight against my chest...radiating tenderness and love...running my fingers through your hair, in a way that let's you know..."you matter, you are valued"...washing away all the stings and cuts of unkind words spoken, and cold shoulders given by others whom you've trusted...those who you loved and/or still love.
...and when I feel something in return, I open more, peeling away layers...like a tender fruit, soft...ripe...ready to be savored, enjoyed...appreciated.
Over the past few weeks, I have had several hurting souls engage me...I could feel their tiredness of being cut down by harsh words...
their desire...
to be heard...
to be understoood...
to be appreciated...
their desire to know & feel that someone genuinely recognized that "yes, this one is special...this one has value...this one matters"...
and so I did what I do...
I listened...
I felt...
I understood...
I appreciated...
I gave...
and instead of being savored and enjoyed...
I was gobbled up quickly...then...discarded like an apple core...
tossed to the stony ground...left to rot, without a second thought.
Not a one took the time to dig deeper to my core for my seeds...
to carefully replant them in the good, deep dark earth...
so I could rejuvinate...
so I could feel a ripening...a growing...rejuvinating...
a cycle of nurture, growth and giving.
No, not a one.
I shared the details of these "interactions/conversations" with a wise soul who told me I wasn't going to like the advice he was going give me...
he went on to say that he thinks that I need aloneness for awhile...
that I need to just say no to those who come to me in this way...whether they seek simple conversation or something more, that I need to shut them down before it even begins...
I understand his point, however, I fear that shutting down to others would change who I am...drastically.
(follow me now)...
I have never liked winter clothing at all...
I am so much more comfortable in a pair of flip flops and a tank top and little floaty skirt.
Today, however, I tried something new...lots of layers...in the photo above, you can't even see them all. I am wearing 2 shirts, a long sweater vest, a scarf, a coat, my fingerless gloves, a hat, a skirt, wool knee highs and my boots...
and I discovered, that once I put it all together, I really liked the layers...I had fun choosing how and what I wanted to layer...and in the end I felt comfortable, warm and good about myself.
what I'm feeling about all of this at the moment, is that while I don't think it will ever be possible for me to shut people out, I think it will be wise for me to add a few layers...for protection...and somehow, to find a way to layer in a way that allows me to still connect with others, but also allows me the time to peel away the layers of myself a bit more slowly...so as not to find myself standing naked and cold wondering WTF just happened...
As I ventured out this afternoon with all these layers, one stop was my favorite art store...I had a coupon to use, and this was the only day I'd be free to make it there before it expires. The boy behind the counter said "I really like your outfit", I laughed a little and graciously said thanks. Then I could feel that feeling...the one I get when I know someone would like to engage me more...so I gently added a few more layers, purchased my paints and panels and got the hell outta there.
There is more that I want to share on the subject of hurting souls and how I relate to them...it's so intense lately, more to come on that, but for now I'll just say that I am grateful, for the warmth and protection of my newly discovered layers...
self-portrait taken in bathroom at AS220, 12/4/11
messing around, waiting for a friend to arrive at the opening of an art show, I snapped this self-portrait in the bathroom stall, 'cuz I was diggin' the graffiti...
it was only just now, a day later that I noticed that it looks like the peace symbol with "love" is a word bubble coming straight outta my own lips...
truly no coincidences...
a few days ago, this girl, wondered aloud if her family's tree trimming pace meant they were savoring it or being lazy. I felt a connection of sorts as I had my tree up with only a single ornament and it had been that way for several days.
quite honestly, I wasn't even going to get a tree this year. It's an odd year for me for many reasons, and I originally thought it best to just get through it by staying busy and ignoring it as much as possible.
But somehow, when I saw this little tree, half off at Whole Foods Market on Black Friday, I softened...and thought it would be better to gently, softly welcome a little holiday cheer into my sacred space.
not the commercialized bullshit mind you...
just the spirit of peace and love...
I bought this ornament at Target a few days before I decided to get a tree, not to hang on a tree, but to hang on a nail in my space, not to represent any commericalism, nor as a symbol for any holiday...
just a reminder....
a sweet reminder to give and receive pure peace and love...
I am savoring simplicity and authenticity...
I am honoring myself and my needs...
peace & love, baby...
peace & love.
Pazi's Place ~ Thanksgiving 2011
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday...
even as a little girl...
I remember sitting on the high stool in the kitchen with my grandmother...
before the sun rose...
while the rest of the household slept...
peeling potatoes for her as she lovingly and quietly prepared a feast for our family.
This year, is very different for me than any other...
I am cut off from my past...
so I did what I do best...
what I do when I don't know what else to do...
I gave...
not much...
in hindsight, I wasn't even needed...
but I was present...
and ready to embrace and welcome anyone who did not have a table to go to this Thanksgiving...
I witnessed tears of pain...
tears of joy...
tears of gratitude...
I was hugged by grateful, tender souls...
who were truly thankful for the dinner and company that was given freely to them this day...
I was simply present...
I don't know if I made any difference today for anyone...
but what I do know is that selfishly, by giving...
I made it through the day...
with only a few tears of my own...
and for that, I am thankful...
heart sighting while making an egg sandwich for a customer - 11/17/11
Whenever I'm feeling a little stretched thin...
hearts appear in my world...
little messengers...
speaking encouragement & promise to my soul.
I've been working alot lately...
for others...(how did that happen?)
feeling a little stretched thin these days...
but pushing through...
looking ahead to a sojourn of sorts...
knowing it will be the perfect medicine for my heart and soul.
my hair right before bed 11/9/11
it's speaking to me...
my hair.
showing me...
telling me it's time.
it amazes me each night lately...
how, with no coaxing at all...
it twists...
and turns...
and knots itself.
It's as if little faeries are dancing throughout my hair...
starting to lock it up.
And while I had always planned on having my tresses professionally locked to begin with...
it makes me smile when I witness the impatience my hair is demonstrating as it trys to dread itself daily.
So even though I currently tame my tresses each night to keep the locking process at bay for now...
I know that my dreadlock journey has already begun...
